Asunto: Jokes

One day a cat dies of natural causes and goes to heaven. There he meets the Lord Himself.
The Lord says to the cat,
"You lived a good life and if there is any way I can make your stay in Heaven more comfortable, please let me know."
The cat thinks for a moment and says,
"Lord, all my life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wood floor."
The Lord stops the cat and says,
"Say no more" and a wonderful fluffy pillow appears.
A few days later 6 mice are killed in a tragic farming accident and went to Heaven. Again the Lord is there to great them with the same offer. The mice answered,
"All our lives we have been chased. We have had to run from cats, dogs, and even women with brooms. We are tired of running. Do you think we could have roller skates so we don't have to run anymore?"
The Lord says,
"Say no more," and fits each mouse with a beautiful pair of roller skates.
About a week later the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him snoozing on the pillow. The Lord gently wakes the cat and asks him, "How are things going since you have been here?"
The cat stretches, yawns, and replies,
"It is wonderful here. Better than I could have ever expected. And those Meals On Wheels you have been sending by are the best!"

Last night a hypnotist convinced me I was a soft, malleable metal with
an atomic number of 82.

I'm easily lead.

Brilliant. Sounds like one Tommy Cooper could have told :)

this is plumb , right?

If you said this without looking on mendeleev's table, then congrats, if you looked there, though, it was difficult to find out?:)

he said that it is easly lead, and i think this is a trick because from what i know the other name of the plumb is lead or led
(editado)

and actually, i was pretty good at Chemistry in highschool

Yes, exactly - the other, and for me actually more common name, is lead...

A brunette says to a blonde "Look! A dead bird!" and the blonde looks up and says "Where?"

well i didnt think it would even be called lead in other languages true, but said i would share it all the same, and yes. lead = plum - what is used for fishing.

the joke is a pun in the line im easily led means i can be convinced easily. also - what you guys understood :)

While riding one day, a cowboy meets an Indian riding along with a dog and a sheep and begins a conversation. "Hey, nice dog u got there. Mind if I speak to him?"
"Dog no talk", replies the Indian. Unperturbed, the cowboy continues. "Hey dog, how's it going?" he queries.
"Doin' alright", shrugs the dog, looking up. The Indian looks shocked. "How does the owner treat you?" he continues.
"Real good", replies the pooch. "He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play". the Indian's jaw drops in disbelief. "Mind if I talk to your horse?" continues cowboy.
"Horse no talk", states the Native American.
"We'll see", says the cowboy. "Hey horse how's it going?"
"Good", smiles the nag.
"And how does your owner treat you?"
"Pretty good", says the horse. "He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in a shed to protect me."
!"Good, mind if i talk to your sheep?" asks the cowboy.
"Sheep liar", snaps the Indian.

The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, "I've got some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order." The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.
"Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. So, let's head to the club and have a martini."
After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating. The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end. "I've been diagnosed with AIDS." The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat.
After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, "Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that?"

"Because I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I'm gone."

A terrorist comes home after a day's work. Asking his mother: 'What's for dinner?'. To which his mom replies:'I really wasn't expecting you to join us.'

hah, nice :D

There was a flu virus that swept the England camp this week. Funnily enough, Robert Green didn't catch it.

I TOLD YOU THAT!!!!!

During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in a nursing home?"


"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup."


"No." he said. "A normal person would pull the plug out. Do you want a bed near the window?"