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Asunto: Jokes
A friend, who worked away from home all week, always made a morning available when he would take
his 7-year old granddaughter for a drive in the car for some bonding time - just he and his granddaughter.
One particular Sunday, however, he had a bad cold and just wanted to stay in bed.
Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter out in the car.
When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see how her Grandfather was.
'Well, did you enjoy your trip with Grandma?'
'Great, grandpa' the girl replied, 'and do you know what? We didn't see a single tosser, blind bastard, fuckwit, dickhead, Asian prick,
wanker or a towel-head anywhere today!
Barcelona centre back Gerard Pique has failed a drugs test,
Some dope called Hernandez was found in his pocket.
Some dope called Hernandez was found in his pocket.
- Ryan Giggs has admitted to feeling homesick. Whilst he does like Manchester, he does Miss Wales every now & again.
- I heard the woman was going on a UK tour. So far she has only done Giggs in Manchester.
- I heard the woman was going on a UK tour. So far she has only done Giggs in Manchester.
What do you do
if you see your ex , running around in your front yard
covered in blood and screaming for help ?
stay calm . reload . and try again
if you see your ex , running around in your front yard
covered in blood and screaming for help ?
stay calm . reload . and try again
A duck goes into a bar
duck:got any bread
bartender:no
duck:got any bread
bartender:no and if you ask me if I've got any bread again I'm gonna nail your beak to the bar
duck:got any nails
bartender:no
duck:got any bread
duck:got any bread
bartender:no
duck:got any bread
bartender:no and if you ask me if I've got any bread again I'm gonna nail your beak to the bar
duck:got any nails
bartender:no
duck:got any bread
My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that 2:30am?!
Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.
I sat on the train this morning opposite a stunning Thai girl.I kept
thinking to myself, please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection...but she did.
Did you hear about the fat alcoholic transvestite?
All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.
Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador.
""F*ck that" says Mick"have you seen how many of their owners go blind"
Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead"
The operator says how do you know?
He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!
I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the
biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on.
I said "You're pulling my leg"
I've just had a letter back from Screwfix.
They said they regretted to inform me that they're not actually a dating agency.
Spent $50 on eBay last week for a penis enlarger. Just opened it and
some b***d's sent me a magnifying glass!
My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker.
Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.
What's the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?
One's a superhero and the other is an instruction.
Went for my routine check up today and everything seemed to be going
fine until he stuck his index finger up my arse! Do you think I should change dentists?
I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get
reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said i
would like to come back as a cow. I said your obviously not f--k--g listening.
Under new E.U. law the word "gypo" is no longer politically correct.
They have to be called (caravan utilising nomadic travelers) or C.*.N..T.S. for short.
Doctors have just identified a food that can cause grief and suffering
years after it's been eaten. It's called a wedding cake.
I was in the pub with my wife last night and i said i love you.
She said is that you or the beer talking ? I replied it's me talking to the beer.
The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the
worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back..
Hi mate i don't want you to panic but I'm texting you from the
casualty. Turns out the new Dyson Ball cleaner isn't what i thought it was.
Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.
I sat on the train this morning opposite a stunning Thai girl.I kept
thinking to myself, please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection...but she did.
Did you hear about the fat alcoholic transvestite?
All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.
Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador.
""F*ck that" says Mick"have you seen how many of their owners go blind"
Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead"
The operator says how do you know?
He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!
I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the
biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on.
I said "You're pulling my leg"
I've just had a letter back from Screwfix.
They said they regretted to inform me that they're not actually a dating agency.
Spent $50 on eBay last week for a penis enlarger. Just opened it and
some b***d's sent me a magnifying glass!
My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker.
Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.
What's the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?
One's a superhero and the other is an instruction.
Went for my routine check up today and everything seemed to be going
fine until he stuck his index finger up my arse! Do you think I should change dentists?
I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get
reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said i
would like to come back as a cow. I said your obviously not f--k--g listening.
Under new E.U. law the word "gypo" is no longer politically correct.
They have to be called (caravan utilising nomadic travelers) or C.*.N..T.S. for short.
Doctors have just identified a food that can cause grief and suffering
years after it's been eaten. It's called a wedding cake.
I was in the pub with my wife last night and i said i love you.
She said is that you or the beer talking ? I replied it's me talking to the beer.
The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the
worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back..
Hi mate i don't want you to panic but I'm texting you from the
casualty. Turns out the new Dyson Ball cleaner isn't what i thought it was.
Labrador and reincarnation are my favourites. :)
Auldreekie, you probably know it so this one's for the others :D
A Scottish old timer in Scotland, in a bar, talking to a young man.
Old Man: "Laddie, look out there to the field. Do ya see that fence? Look how well it's built. I built that fence stone by stone with me own two hands. Piled it for months. But do they call me McGregor-the-Fence-Builder? Nooooo, laddie, nooooo."
Then the old man gestured at the bar.
"Look here at the bar. Do ya see how smooth and just it is? I planed that surface down by me own achin' back. I carved that wood with me own hard labour, for eight days. But do they call me McGregor-the-Bar-builder? Nooooo, laddie, nooooo."
Then the old man points out the window.
"Eh, Laddy, look out to sea. Do ya see that pier that sretches out as far as the eye can see? I built that pier with the sweat off me back. I nailed it board by board. But do they call me McGregor-the-Pier-Builder? Nooooo, laddie, nooooo."
Then the old man stares into his beer and whispers, "And you f**k one sheep."
A Scottish old timer in Scotland, in a bar, talking to a young man.
Old Man: "Laddie, look out there to the field. Do ya see that fence? Look how well it's built. I built that fence stone by stone with me own two hands. Piled it for months. But do they call me McGregor-the-Fence-Builder? Nooooo, laddie, nooooo."
Then the old man gestured at the bar.
"Look here at the bar. Do ya see how smooth and just it is? I planed that surface down by me own achin' back. I carved that wood with me own hard labour, for eight days. But do they call me McGregor-the-Bar-builder? Nooooo, laddie, nooooo."
Then the old man points out the window.
"Eh, Laddy, look out to sea. Do ya see that pier that sretches out as far as the eye can see? I built that pier with the sweat off me back. I nailed it board by board. But do they call me McGregor-the-Pier-Builder? Nooooo, laddie, nooooo."
Then the old man stares into his beer and whispers, "And you f**k one sheep."
