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Asunto: Jokes
inception
EDIT:lol.im getting pms about this XD
its not that good but it is funny. i was trying to do something else and realised what i had created :D
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EDIT:lol.im getting pms about this XD
its not that good but it is funny. i was trying to do something else and realised what i had created :D
(editado)
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This can also be applied to drinkers and non drinkers. They always think we are wasting our money!!!!
One up for the smokers!!!!!
Lady: Do you smoke?
Man: Yes
Lady: How many packs a day?
Man: 3 packs
Lady: How much per pack
Man: $10.00
Lady: And how long have you been smoking?
Man: 15 years
Lady: So 1 pack cost $10.00 and you have 3 packs a day which puts your spending each month at $900. In one year, it would be $10,800 correct?
Man: Correct
Lady: If in 1 year you spend $10,800 not accounting for inflation, the past 15 years puts your spending at $162,000 correct?
Man: Correct
Lady: Do you know that if you hadn't smoked, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 15 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?
Man: Do you smoke?
Lady: No
Man: Where's your FUCKING Ferrari then ?
It's all about having control :P
this makes sense if you put let's say 2€ each day into a 'piggy bank' :P 60€/month, 720€/year, 7200€/10 years etc.
this makes sense if you put let's say 2€ each day into a 'piggy bank' :P 60€/month, 720€/year, 7200€/10 years etc.
people are still pming me about my inception link above XD
i am wondering if theres a way I can get it to the third level easily...
sokker within sokker within sokker XD
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i am wondering if theres a way I can get it to the third level easily...
sokker within sokker within sokker XD
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i knew smt was wrong if you posted it, no clicking from my side!
THIS IS A FRIGHTENING STATISTIC,
PROBABLY ONE OF THE MOST WORRISOME IN RECENT YEARS.
25% of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness.
That's scary.
It means 75% are running around untreated.
:)) I thought you would say that rest of 75% are lying to avoid make love
Camilla, the Duchess of Cornwall, bought new shoes for her wedding.
During the big day they became increasingly tighter and tighter as the day went on.
That night, when the festivities were finally over and they retired to their room, she flopped on the bed and said,
"Charles, darling, please remove my shoes, my feet are killing me!"
Her ever-obedient Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigour, but it would not budge.
"Harder!" yelled Camilla, "Harder!"
Charles yelled back: "I'm trying, darling! But, it's just so bloody tight!"
Come on! Give it all you've got!" she cried.
Finally, when it released, Charles let out a big groan and Camilla exclaimed,
"There! Oh, God, that feels so good!"
In their bedroom next door, the Queen said to Prince Phillip,
"See! I told you, with a face like that, she had to be a virgin!"
Meanwhile, as Charles tried to remove her left shoe, he cried,
"Oh, God, darling! This one's even tighter!"
At which Prince Phillip said to the Queen,
"That's my boy! He served in the Navy:
once a Rear Admiral, always a Rear Admiral!"
During the big day they became increasingly tighter and tighter as the day went on.
That night, when the festivities were finally over and they retired to their room, she flopped on the bed and said,
"Charles, darling, please remove my shoes, my feet are killing me!"
Her ever-obedient Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigour, but it would not budge.
"Harder!" yelled Camilla, "Harder!"
Charles yelled back: "I'm trying, darling! But, it's just so bloody tight!"
Come on! Give it all you've got!" she cried.
Finally, when it released, Charles let out a big groan and Camilla exclaimed,
"There! Oh, God, that feels so good!"
In their bedroom next door, the Queen said to Prince Phillip,
"See! I told you, with a face like that, she had to be a virgin!"
Meanwhile, as Charles tried to remove her left shoe, he cried,
"Oh, God, darling! This one's even tighter!"
At which Prince Phillip said to the Queen,
"That's my boy! He served in the Navy:
once a Rear Admiral, always a Rear Admiral!"
A group of soldiers are crossing the desert. They stumble upon a river. They only have one camel, so they all climb on. The sergeant gets behind the ears, and the rest climb on behind him.
When they get halfway across the river, the sergeant sees two big tears in the eyes of the camel.
He says to the guy behind him, "Yo, the camel is crying."
That guy passes it back, "Yo, the camel is crying," and he passes it back, "Yo, the camel is crying," he passes it back, "Yo, the camel is crying."
When they get to the guy who's riding the tail, they say, "Yo, the camel is crying."
He says, "What the fuck do you want me to do? If I take it out, I'll fall off."
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Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.
Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'
He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.
Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money at all!'
Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.'
He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints
of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.
Shamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!'
Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't worry, I have a plan , Cheers! '
They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'
The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.
They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.
At the tenth pub Shamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing me!'
Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I can't even remember which pub I lost the sausage in.'
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Two old Jewish men, Sid and Al, are sitting in a Mexican restaurant in Los Angeles one day. Sid asks Al, "Do you know of any people of our faith born and raised in Mexico ?’
Al replies, "I don’t know, let’s ask our waiter.’
When the waiter arrives, Al asks, "Are there any Mexican Jews?’
The waiter says, "I don’t know senor, I ask the cooks.
"He returns from the kitchen after a few minutes and says, "No senor,the cook say no Mexican Jews.’
Al isn’t satisfied and asks, "Are you absolutely sure?’
The waiter, realizing he is dealing with "Gringos" replies, "I check once again, senor!’and goes back into the kitchen.
While the waiter is away, Sid says, "I find it hard to believe that there are no Jews in Mexico. Our people are scattered everywhere.’
The waiter returns and says, "Senor, the head cook Tom say there is no Mexican Jews.’
"Are you certain?" Al asks again.
"I just can’t believe there are no Mexican Jews!’
"SENOR, I ask EVERYONE," replies the exasperated waiter, "All we have is Orange Jews, Grape Jews, Prune Jews, and Tomato Jews.
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Once upon a time in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. By a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth.
One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit. "Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am."
"It's quite OK," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is much the same as yours. I, too, have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and work out what you are, so at least you'll have that going for you."
"Oh, that would be wonderful" replied the bunny.
So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur; you have really long ears; your nose twitches; and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit."
"Oh, thank you! Thank you," cried the bunny, in great excitement. The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw, and help you the same way that you've helped me."
So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're smooth and slippery, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone or balls. I'd say you must be French."
When they get halfway across the river, the sergeant sees two big tears in the eyes of the camel.
He says to the guy behind him, "Yo, the camel is crying."
That guy passes it back, "Yo, the camel is crying," and he passes it back, "Yo, the camel is crying," he passes it back, "Yo, the camel is crying."
When they get to the guy who's riding the tail, they say, "Yo, the camel is crying."
He says, "What the fuck do you want me to do? If I take it out, I'll fall off."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.
Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'
He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.
Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money at all!'
Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.'
He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints
of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.
Shamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!'
Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't worry, I have a plan , Cheers! '
They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'
The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.
They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.
At the tenth pub Shamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing me!'
Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I can't even remember which pub I lost the sausage in.'
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two old Jewish men, Sid and Al, are sitting in a Mexican restaurant in Los Angeles one day. Sid asks Al, "Do you know of any people of our faith born and raised in Mexico ?’
Al replies, "I don’t know, let’s ask our waiter.’
When the waiter arrives, Al asks, "Are there any Mexican Jews?’
The waiter says, "I don’t know senor, I ask the cooks.
"He returns from the kitchen after a few minutes and says, "No senor,the cook say no Mexican Jews.’
Al isn’t satisfied and asks, "Are you absolutely sure?’
The waiter, realizing he is dealing with "Gringos" replies, "I check once again, senor!’and goes back into the kitchen.
While the waiter is away, Sid says, "I find it hard to believe that there are no Jews in Mexico. Our people are scattered everywhere.’
The waiter returns and says, "Senor, the head cook Tom say there is no Mexican Jews.’
"Are you certain?" Al asks again.
"I just can’t believe there are no Mexican Jews!’
"SENOR, I ask EVERYONE," replies the exasperated waiter, "All we have is Orange Jews, Grape Jews, Prune Jews, and Tomato Jews.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Once upon a time in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. By a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth.
One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit. "Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am."
"It's quite OK," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is much the same as yours. I, too, have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and work out what you are, so at least you'll have that going for you."
"Oh, that would be wonderful" replied the bunny.
So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur; you have really long ears; your nose twitches; and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit."
"Oh, thank you! Thank you," cried the bunny, in great excitement. The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw, and help you the same way that you've helped me."
So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're smooth and slippery, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone or balls. I'd say you must be French."
An elderly lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship
Holding her hat tight so that it would not blow away in the wind.
A gentleman approached her and said,
"Pardon me, madam..
I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress
Is blowing up in this high wind?"
"Yes, I know," said the lady.
"I need both my hands
To hold onto this hat."
"But madam, you must know that you are not wearing any panties
And your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.
The woman looked down, then back up at the man
And replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 75 years old.
I just bought this hat yesterday!"
No Jews
A US Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave.
The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from
the wife of a very wealthy and influential plantation owner:
"Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter Melinda's Debutante Ball.
I would like you to send four well-mannered, handsome, unmarried
officers in their formal dress uniforms to attend the dance."
"They should arrive promptly at 8:00 PM prepared for an evening of
polite Southern conversation. They should be excellent dancers, as
they will be the escorts of lovely refined young ladies. One last
point: "No Jews please."
Sending a written message by his own yeoman, the captain replied:
"Madam, thank you for your invitation. In order to present the widest
possible knowledge base for polite conversation, I am sending four of
my best and most prized officers."
"One is a lieutenant commander, and a graduate of Annapolis with an
additional Masters degree from MIT in fluid technologies and ship
design."
"The second is a Lieutenant, one of our helicopter pilots, and a
graduate of Northwestern University in Chicago , with a BS in
Aeronautical Engineering. His Masters Degree and PhD. In Aeronautical
and Mechanical Engineering are from Texas Tech University and he is
also an astronaut candidate."
"The third officer is also a lieutenant, with degrees in both computer
systems and information technology from SMU and he is awaiting
notification on his Doctoral Dissertation from Cal Tech."
"Finally, the fourth officer, also a lieutenant commander, is our
ship's doctor, with an undergraduate degree from the University of
Georgia and his medical degree is from the University of North
Carolina . We are very proud of him, as he is also a senior fellow in
Trauma Surgery at Bethesda ."
Upon receiving this letter, Melinda's mother was quite excited and
looked forward to Thursday with pleasure. Her daughter would be
escorted by four handsome naval officers without peer (and the other
women in her social circle would be insanely jealous).
At precisely 8:00 PM on Thursday, Melinda's mother heard a polite rap
at the door which she opened to find, in full dress uniform, four very
handsome, smiling Black officers.
Her mouth fell open, but pulling herself together, she stammered,
"There must be some mistake."
"No, Madam," said the first officer.
"Captain Goldberg never makes mistakes."
A US Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave.
The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from
the wife of a very wealthy and influential plantation owner:
"Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter Melinda's Debutante Ball.
I would like you to send four well-mannered, handsome, unmarried
officers in their formal dress uniforms to attend the dance."
"They should arrive promptly at 8:00 PM prepared for an evening of
polite Southern conversation. They should be excellent dancers, as
they will be the escorts of lovely refined young ladies. One last
point: "No Jews please."
Sending a written message by his own yeoman, the captain replied:
"Madam, thank you for your invitation. In order to present the widest
possible knowledge base for polite conversation, I am sending four of
my best and most prized officers."
"One is a lieutenant commander, and a graduate of Annapolis with an
additional Masters degree from MIT in fluid technologies and ship
design."
"The second is a Lieutenant, one of our helicopter pilots, and a
graduate of Northwestern University in Chicago , with a BS in
Aeronautical Engineering. His Masters Degree and PhD. In Aeronautical
and Mechanical Engineering are from Texas Tech University and he is
also an astronaut candidate."
"The third officer is also a lieutenant, with degrees in both computer
systems and information technology from SMU and he is awaiting
notification on his Doctoral Dissertation from Cal Tech."
"Finally, the fourth officer, also a lieutenant commander, is our
ship's doctor, with an undergraduate degree from the University of
Georgia and his medical degree is from the University of North
Carolina . We are very proud of him, as he is also a senior fellow in
Trauma Surgery at Bethesda ."
Upon receiving this letter, Melinda's mother was quite excited and
looked forward to Thursday with pleasure. Her daughter would be
escorted by four handsome naval officers without peer (and the other
women in her social circle would be insanely jealous).
At precisely 8:00 PM on Thursday, Melinda's mother heard a polite rap
at the door which she opened to find, in full dress uniform, four very
handsome, smiling Black officers.
Her mouth fell open, but pulling herself together, she stammered,
"There must be some mistake."
"No, Madam," said the first officer.
"Captain Goldberg never makes mistakes."